Lets set the scene, you (You Big Dog Alpha you (not a furry thing)) are at the head of the table in a restaurant with your friends. Sh**, the waiter hands you the wine list, full of Chateau Garbage, Clos de Not-a-Clue, Bodagas What The F*** and Domaine That French Word you can’t Pronounce with a funny squiggle across an ‘e’. Don’t even get me started on anything German, I hate German wine law.
What are you meant to do? Well let me break it down for you. Or better yet, book my wine bar and let me walk you through wine >> faffless.co
How to navigate the prat in a suit (The Sommelier)
Do you trust them? Honestly this is your best bet to get something tasty, is 100% just own up and say “Look, you know the wine list better than me, this is what I’m looking for/This is what we are all eating, what do you recommend?” This is how we recommend enjoying your night in FAFFLESS, it keeps your night ‘faffless’ letting us choose your wine for you, and it is straight up our job to find you some tasty fermented grapes. I want you to come back, I want you to spend your money, therefore I need you to enjoy what you’re drinking, eating, smelling, feeling, seeing, slurping, biting, nibbling. This is how I, as a Bar & Restaurant, make my money. Your happy smiling face. Unless you’re a tit, then go to All Bar One or a Weatherspoon’s.
How to tell if the Sommelier you’re dealing with is a good Sommelier to deal with.
For me there are a few tell tale signs that you’re dealing with a prat;
- They make a face when you say you’ve got no idea and that you need help
- They aren’t taking the time to find out your preferences
- They make you feel bad (and not in a fun and jovial way) for not knowing their wine list
- They don’t know their own list (not always, it might be new, give them a break)
- They aren’t making suggestions to help you, or asking you questions to help you find out what you want
- They’re pushy
Some signs of a good Somm are;
- They honestly and earnestly help you find the wine that is right for you/your table
- They take the time and talk to you as a person, not just trying to get you a bottle of wine ASAP
- They have fun and enjoy what they do
- They are recommending things that sound great to you, maybe even some off-list stuff (we all have some stuff that isn’t on the list)
- They help you arrive at the wine you like, by asking you lots of easy to answer questions in order to find out what you like, not what the Sommelier wants you to drink.
But what if you don’t trust the Somm? Well now you’re in a world of hurt, we all write our wine lists differently, with a focus on different things. Therefore it can be a bit of a pain to choose the correct wine, especially when you go to places that all they have is the name of the wine, then the region then the price. Like Christ on a bike, what am I meant to do with that? Even I would struggle, I own a wine bar, I’m looking at this list going well that’ll be mostly this grape but what if there is some weird Frenchman making some weird ass wine?
Quick tips to choosing a wine.
- Stay away from Burgundy if you’re on a budget, in a broad sweeping generalisation Burgundy tends to not be worth the cost unless you’re super into your wine and you would get pleasure out of drinking the wine just because it says ‘Bourgogne’ on the label.
- New world wines (wines not from Europe) tend to be super simple, punchy and unrefined. I personally tend to stay away from New World wines at the moment, just because I feel Europe gives me a better bang for my buck, but that’s also because I’ve been a Sommelier for close to 10 years and can normally navigate a wine list semi-ok.
- My personal preference is to stick with wines that are at least practising organic and low intervention (Natural) but that’s just a preference, I feel that winemakers that are using these practises are on the whole taking more care with their wine making practises.
- Don’t just pick the second cheapest, some restaurants will mark this up since it’s a well known trope.
- If a wine list seems to be heavily dedicated to a specific style this could mean that the owner or sommelier is into these wines, which means we will have researched them and chosen the ones we like.
- Stay away from ‘trendy’ wines, these often come with bigger mark-ups, ones we get asked for a lot would be’ Prosecco, New Zealand Sauvignon, Whispering Angel etc.
A Quick Note on tasting wine and other wine myths
The reason that we let you try the wine, isn’t to let you see if you like it, it’s to see if it’s corked. However, if the Somm is worth their salt then if we even have a suspicion that the wine is corked then it is getting nowhere near you until we have tried it first. It’s really bad manners to send back a bottle of wine because you don’t like it, unless we have expressly said that we are letting you try a little before you commit, if you don’t listen to us and end up with a wine you don’t like, sucks to suck.
Also, what we mean by a ‘corked wine’ is that oxygen has gotten in past the seal and has oxidised the wine, essentially it has rusted and turned to vinegar. It has nothing to do with having a bit of cork in your glass or it falling into the bottle. If cork touching the wine meant you couldn’t drink it then why would it be touching your wine all the time? just fish it out and get on with your day.
My most hated Wine Myth though is people putting a teaspoon in the top of a bottle of sparkling wine, don’t even get me started, and if this is you, don’t reproduce, the earth isn’t flat and 5g won’t give you cancer.
In Conclusion
Talk to your sommelier, we are a lonely bunch. It’s our passion, the wine and being alone.
Shameless self-plug
Remember and think of Faffless whenever you want to chat wine, art or food. We have an Art Gallery where you can purchase British and Worldwide artists >> faffless.art and if you want to learn how to invest in artwork check out my other blog post >> How to Buy artwork as an investment
